We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
