I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
