you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
ttyl tear gas
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
