I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
we're so committed to being not committed
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
