why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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