So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
