she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
