I wish I only lived at night.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
