Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
