i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
