I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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