The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
