Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
