Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
