My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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