I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
