why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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