Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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