Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
