grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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