if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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