I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
