I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
