you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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