Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
