How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Too much gin, very little bucket
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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