How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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