so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
