I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
