Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
