i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
