U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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