Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
