I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Actions speak louder than pants.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
