i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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