new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
