Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
