I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
