My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
did i walk over a car last night?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
