He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
