How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
