Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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