gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
