if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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