I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
