my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
they call him Oral-B. enough said
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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