he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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