I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
