So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
