Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
